10 days

10 days on and home again...not sure where the time has gone. I believe I've been on autopilot this whole time?! I saw a quote which I'll adapt slightly: Missing you comes in waves, today I'm drowning. I'm not sure who the author is but maybe you can find out if you are so inclined; I can't say I'm concerned with copyright at this moment in time!!

The last 10 days have been like a bad dream that I can't wake myself up from. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been in tears and depressed the whole time; we have laughed, cried, talked, and cried some more. I've seen lots of photos of Mum around their house and it's almost like I don't recognise her in some! She had such a vibrant smile that I never noticed until it was too late - I'm just thankful that she knows now - I'm sure she can hear me when I talk to her. Each time I look at her, my chest catches and the tears flow. She was so full of life that she has left a huge, huge hole!

Today I was telling Dad that I have an overwhelming sense of going all out for Christmas...it must be Mum coming through because the last thing I feel like is celebrating, although I can't lose sight of the reason for Christmas, despite my grief. Besides that, it's important for the kids. So, today we will try and put up our tree once we get back from Church. I will be thanking God for Mum's life, and the mark that she has left on this world.

So the funeral...NOTHING prepares you for seeing your mum's coffin. I didn't give it any thought really so it royally bit me in the butt when I walked in. I honestly didn't think I could make it through, but Dad and I had a box of tissues between us and we made it. I managed to get up and get through the poem that Mum had picked...I think I shared it before, but it's worth sharing again - it's beautiful:

"IF ROSES GROW IN HEAVEN"

If Roses grow in Heaven
Lord, please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

Author: Kirsten Preus


I made it all the way until the last sentence where I hit a slight hurdle, but I got there in the end! 

Finally I just have one thing that I would like to share...the death of a parent (especially at such a young age) is a very lonely and hard journey. I appreciate that everyone is different, but for me I needed support, and lots of it. I felt slightly abandoned. I had such wonderful support in the lead up but felt that almost everyone dropped away when I needed them the most. Like I said, everyone is different, and I have no doubt that some people will feel the opposite, however, I was thinking that you can always choose not to reply to people until you are ready, but you cannot reply if there is nothing to reply to. I had very little to reply to, and I needed to talk. My Dad I'm sure was happy for the quiet, but I think there is a fundamental difference between males and females...we are more emotional on the whole. Anyway, just needed to mention it because knowing that may help someone else in the future (or piss them off if they'd rather have the peace! ha ha). By the way, I want to say that I am not upset at anyone who didn't contact - my husband is worried that I may have upset people...that's certainly not my intention...I have done the same (left people in peace after sending condolences). I was just commenting on how I feel, not speaking for the general population!!! :)

Thank you to all of you who have made donations so far, it's very much appreciated and I'm sure Mum is smiling from Heaven. 

God Bless x