What to do...

Mum and Mini-Me!

I spent well over an hour last night copying and pasting all my messages from Mum into a word document which I will eventually edit and make into a journal for me, and perhaps my little girl one day to read. I couldn't bring myself to read any of the messages whilst I was copying them because simply put, it's too painful right now. Dad and I know that Mum as we know her has gone, but we cannot move on because her body is still here. The fluid intake is now right down so again we are one step closer.

This morning we wondered what to do about Mum's Facebook...do I post on there for people not to post anymore, or do we leave it. Dad had started to write one but changed his mind. We have decided to leave it as is because he doesn't want to stir a wave of phone calls asking how Mum is...that's just too much to handle right now. The bottom line is that Mum has now gone, we are just waiting for her body to also depart. There are no more conversations to be had, no more smiles, no more laughs, and no more interactions. It's a VERY lonely, painful, and surreal place to be. I can't quite let my mind wander to what that really means...I will let it go wherever it wants once she dies.

Mum wanted to die in November (as I've mentioned before), and we have just 6 days left before, in my mind, it's officially Christmas season. I am forcing myself to start preparing things because it's not fair on the kids not to put my all in to it, but it's an extremely hard job trying to prepare for a celebration which revolves heavily around family whilst you are grieving the impending loss of your Mum. I fear that I will forever associate the Christmas season with losing my Mum...a time of year that was always so happy in our house now has a dark cloud over it. I will work hard at finding ways to remember Mum during this time rather than mourning the loss, but until time starts to heal, it will be a painful reminder this year of what I've lost. I still can't believe that less than two weeks ago, I was sitting cuddling Mum and talking about how much we love each other...how did this go so wrong, so fast?